eleven

#11: develop a plan B

I guess I should start by explaining what plan A has been:

To go to a reputable medical school and become a forensic pathologist.

Needless to say, my plan a has not come to fruition, nor will it. So, in essence, my plan B has become my plan A. How it came to be could only be described as serendipitous.

Impasse.

Pronunciation:/amˈpɑːs, ˈampɑːs/

noun

• a situation in which no progress is possible
  
  
  see also: where I found myself in the Fall of 2009.
  
  
  I was sitting in the conference room of our ambulatory surgery center at work, feeling completely and utterly lost. Have you ever had those moments where you take a second and say, "wow, this really isn't where I thought my life would be by this point"? Well, on this particular day I found myself not only saying that but adding "and this is not at all where I want to be". I had graduated from college nearly three years prior to that, and aside from taking my MCATs, I was no closer to my med school dreams than I had been then. It's the same old story. You get comfortable in routine and the days start to run together, and before you know it you're older, jaded, and you feel trapped in this stalemate position. I somehow knew in that moment that I needed to act now or forever hold my peace. But I had become so disheartened that I had no clue in which direction I should act . Plan A had always been med school. Plan B had always been teaching; preferably high school biology. I felt like my grades, test scores, experience, etc. weren't enough to get me into a good medical school, but I didn't know if I should keep on trying or if I should move on to my back-up. I needed guidance. And I got it.
  
  
  Almost instantaneously I received an email from Temple University School of Podiatric Medicine. Apparently, my email had been sent to them as a result of my taking the MCAT a few months prior. I had never really given Podiatry the time of day, but I decided to read on and see what they had to offer. It turns out that they were holding a winter internship program and the urged me to apply for it as an opportunity to check out their school and their program and see if it appealed to me. I decided to go out of my well-defined comfort zone for a change and apply for the internship.
  
  
  When I mentioned my plan to apply for the internship to the doctor I work for, he informed me that he had a good friend who is a Podiatrist; apparently making a good living, doing lots of surgery, and loving what he does. Good sign, I thought. So, I was actually quite excited when I received my acceptance email for the internship program.
  
  
  What happened when I got there is hard to explain. There are very few times in life, or at least in mine, when something just feels so right all the way in the core of your soul that you cannot adequately put the feeling into words. I felt that, standing in Philadelphia at Temple University, knowing this place, this path, all of this, is where I belong.
  
  
  I applied to the school immediately following the internship program and received my acceptance letter soon after. I leave for Philadelphia next week.
  
  
  In actuality, my plan B isn't even what became my plan A. Really, it wasn't a plan at all. With that being said, I move to change this list item to "keep an open mind - life falls into place where you least expect it".

Purging through the list...

Ok. I realize that it has been quite some time since I've worked on this. Why is it that I can never follow through with anything? It really is the story of my life. I have all of these great plans, these great ideas, but no follow-through. It's a frustrating character flaw that I have no idea how to remedy. But, perhaps that is a topic for another day.

Back on the horse.

I figured that the best way to tackle this somewhat extensive list is probably to first purge through those things on the list that I have already done.

Let the purging, begin. Metaphorically speaking.

# 4: dump toxic friends

This is one I feel that I have already accomplished. Well, as much as anyone can permanently accomplish this kind of task. To start with, how does one define a "toxic friend". Colleen Rush (the author of the book I'm working from) puts it very well when she says "toxic people are like those mysterious containers of leftovers in your refrigerator--you avoid tossing them because they might still be good, but they only get more pungent and dangerous with time". Needless to say, I've had more than a few of these in my life. The high school ones were fairly easy to move on from with the aid of physical distance and new opportunities with the advent of college. I did have ones, however, who were friends since high school but not friends from school. Those were harder to part with. I am, in no way, speaking of all of the friends that I had in my high school and post high school years that I no longer keep in good contact with. Some of them were wonderful people and wonderful friends who time and space won out over. But there definitely were the others. I feel like my life has been riddled with "toxic friends", as if something inside of me has some sort of magnetic draw to them. I think it comes down to the fact that, and I say this with all of the humility in the world, I am a good person. People tend to take advantage of that. It is seen as weakness to be kind and non confrontational, and there are those out there who prey on people like me. I've had those friends in my life, who have treated me as if I held no real value other than to do things for them. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely enjoy doing things for people. I am the first person to bake someone a cake for their birthday, or make them a sentimental gift for no reason other than that it brings me deep spiritual joy to do so. But, when it becomes expected rather than appreciated, a person is left feeling like they have been taken advantage of. It also does nothing to enrich that person's life on a deeper, more meaningful level. My current friends, for all their flaws, are in my life because they add something to my life. Their involvement in my life is rewarding to my soul in a way that I cannot necessarily verbalize. But, when your company is desired so that someone can cook for you, or go out and get you something, or just keep you from being bored, without the other person living up to the emotional responsibility of being a "friend", well then that person really is not a friend all. It took me a while to come to terms with that realization. I still don't know that I fully have. Although I have learned to avoid those people and fill my time and life with people who stimulate my soul, it is still a difficult thing to recognize that you have been used, regardless of whether or not the people doing the using were ever fully aware that they did so. It's all part of growing up, I suppose.

a beginning...

swim naked, defy gravity, and 99 other essential things to accomplish before turning 30...

1. swim naked
2. break all of your parents' arbitrary rules
3. grow something
4. dump toxic friends
5. speak a foreign language
6. buy a kick-ass matress
7. draw and frame a self-portrait
8. stop chronic over-apologizing
9. create your own sisterhood
10. travel solo
11. develop a plan b
12. know your friends' family tree
13. embrace your inner eight-year old
14. read: women's bodies, women's wisdom by christiane northrup, m.d.
15. build a raging campfire
16. make the first move
17. know the other mouth-to-mouth
18. be your own muse
19. master a signature family recipe
20. quit something
21. find the perfect red lipstick
22. negotiate for something expensive
23. google yourself
24. hold your booze
25. track down your best friend from kindergarten
26. masturbate
27. write a complaint letter
28. claim your granny panties
29. make brownies from scratch
30. exorcise the words "like" and "you know" from your vocabulary
31. find your religion
32. write thank-you notes for everything
33. perfect your a.m. stretch
34. declare your birthday a national holiday
35. stock an emergency disaster kit
36. accept compliments
37. minimize pointless drama
38. unplug your t.v. for a while
39. dye your hair an outrageous color
40. invest in some seriously frivolous undies
41. own your mistakes
42. take your hobby more seriously than your job
43. talk to strangers
44. get health insurance
45. hook up something high tech by yourself
46. live through a blind date
47. be a gracious guest
48. escape creeps and kick criminal ass
49. invest in earplugs
50. lose your virginity again
51. know your blood type
52. confront someone who's done you wrong
53. walk in heels
54. write a body manifesto
55. watch the sun rise and set on the same day by yourself
56. disagree out loud
57. memorize your ring size
58. have a mantra
59. research your family's medical history
60. do it somewhere risky
61. open a bottle of champagne
62. make more money than you spend
63. be a nudist for a day
64. adopt an awkward teenager
65. eat soy
66. dress for longevity
67. kick one habit
68. defy gravity
69. own a cashmere sweater
70. use a great dermo
71. get over yourself
72. sleep in a hammock
73. own a toolbox with all of the basics
74. jettison your "skinny" jeans
75. collect correspondence with friends
76. get a massage
77. memorize your favorite smells; surround yourself with them
78. fall in love (or lust) without blowing off your friends
79. dub the "greatest hits" from your childhood
80. care about where your food comes from
81. fly first class
82. cultivate your own style
83. carry something to read, a notebook, and a pen at all times
84. forgive your parents
85. be a dork.
86. stop slamming other women
87. get waxed down there
88. adopt another motherland
89. tell someone your deepest, darkest, secret
90. make a killer cocktail
91. read your old diaries
92. tie a few knots
93. have your fortune told
94. cry often
95. give yourself flowers
96. stop looking for a soulmate
97. give props to a teacher
98. learn how not to be a flake
99. give yourself a make-under
100. be notorious for something
101. bounce back

...and here are some that I felt the need to add for myself...I'm sure this addition will continue to grow

102. run a marathon

103. volunteer for something

104. have a sixth-grade style, girls only, sleep-over

105. write a novel

106. go to med school

Last year, my older sister gave me this book by Colleen Rush entitled "Swim Naked, Defy Gravity & 99 Other Essential things to Accomplish Before Turning 30". Well, at least I think she gave it to me. It may very well be that I took it upon myself to "liberate" said book from her room. Either way, the book is now in my possession. So, here I am with this somewhat corny, but mostly more insightful-than-it-looks checklist of things to accomplish before turning some arbitrary age that the author decided was a good cut off point to get things done by, and I decide to actually complete her checklist...and chronicle my completion of each task both electronically and in a paper journal. Why? I have no idea. I suppose I'm at sort of an impasse in my life right now. I'm finished with school, not sure what is going to happen next. I am, as planned, getting ready to take my MCATs in the fall, as well as go back for my Master's degree in biology, but still, I feel like I'm standing still. "I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo." Part of me has always identified with that quote. No matter how many good things I have in my life, I always feel like the eye of some terrible storm. The question now becomes, is life about finding that inner peace to be able to be comfortable as the eye of the storm, or is life about seizing the moment and becoming part of the waves it makes? I don't for a second think that anything I scribble in a notebook will show me the meaning of life, but maybe what I do will show me the meaning of who I am, which is, perhaps, a more important revelation altogether.

If you care to read through my ramblings as they unfold, you are welcome. If your only reasons for reading this are to scoff, judge, and demean...save it for someone who cares*. (*not me) I'm doing this for myself, no one else. But if, by some strange act, what I do/write helps someone else feel comforted or less alone, then I've accomplished even more than what I set out to do.


As an aside, please be advised that I do not intend to complete the afore mentioned checklist in the order it was written. Part of the fun will be choosing the order in which I desire and adding new tasks as I see fit.

Enjoy.